I am not a happy girl today, and it is because I am missing my Dad more than usual. It is/was his birthday today, so it just brings up all the pain again.
Holidays and birthdays are the worst I think, because they are a constant reminder of what you have lost. I was a bit more cheerful in my post on my other blog Candles, Crafts and Whatnot, when I wrote a Happy Birthday post, but as the day goes on, it gets harder.
I had my Grandson Marcus over this morning and that helped, but he said to me when he came in, "Why do you look sad Gram?" and I said, "because it would have been my Daddy's birthday today". And he said, "Oh". I asked him if he remembered his Granddad, and he said "yeah, and besides you have his picture right here on top of your computer", smart little guy.....yes I do. And I have to admit that having him here for those few hours took my mind off things, but now that he is gone, I am here, by myself, and feeling alone.
I feel like that a lot, and I don't mean because I live alone, but because in some strange way, I feel abandoned? It probably doesn't make sense to any of you, but it does to me. I lost both my Mother and Father within a year of each other along with my pets, and I had so much death to deal with in that year, that I didn't think I'd survive. But I did. I grew very strong, at least on the outside, and then there are days like today, when I feel like a lump of jello.
I have been to counseling, and it didn't help, not because of the therapist (well, maybe somewhat) but mostly because of me. I haven't dealt with the deaths, and the grieving, and I truthfully don't know how. So most days, I just block it out. I am in denial, I know, but I am also so very afraid of what might happen when I let it go....I am afraid that the floodgates will start, and might not stop, and that is why I hold it in, fear...... that is what keeps me in the constant state of limbo.
Believe me, I don't like the not knowing part, and I want to feel healed, but I just have not gotten to that point yet. I have lots of advice to give to others, and I have....I just don't take my own advice.
So, on this day, I am sending out Birthday Wishes and Tons of Love for my Dad!!
Maybe he will hear me and help me heal?
